Caillou the Whiny Teenager
by Emily E
Summary: A hilariously inappropriate parody highlighting Caillou's future life as a sixteen-year-old, because I hate the whiny little freak.
1. Chapter 1

**No comment. Enjoy!**

**Caillou does not belong to me, nor do I want it to belong to me.**

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><p><em>I'm just a teen who sulks<em>

_Basically I'm an adult_

_Cuz sixteen's the mature age_

_I'm Caillou_

_Screaming to get my way_

_Skipping class on Wednesdays_

_Lost my virginity last night_

_I'm Caillou_

_Cursing ever four *bleep* words_

_My life is *bleep*_

_My dad is a *bleep* and my mom is a *bleep*_

_Listening to Marilyn Manson_

_He's the only one that understands_

_Hating religion is so cool_

_Let's go vandalize the pool_

_I'm teenage Caillou_

_*bleep* YOU!_

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><p><span>Episode 1: Caillou the Whiny Beeotch<span>

It was a bright, beautiful Sunday morning in Caillou's neighborhood, started the elderly-sounding voice of a woman. Caillou was sound asleep in his bed, which was strange considering how filthy his bed was. It was covered in pizza boxes, toenail clippings, beard shavings, apple cores and banana peelings, and even some X-rated movies Caillou sneaked out from his dad's apartment when he wasn't looking. His room was no better. Posters of women in skimpy bikinis and posters of bands and musicians such as Korn, Skrillex, Ozzy Osborne, Marilyn Manson, Eminem, Cannibal Corpse, Paramore, and Slayer were plaster all over the walls. Playboy magazines and death metal CDs were scattered across the Pizza Hut and Kentucky Fried Chicken grease stained floor. On his dresser that held all sorts of goth makeup equipment plus a bottle of whisky he stole from his dad's apartment, some shrooms and LSD tablets, a box of cigarettes, and a marijuana bong, was his pet Burmese python, Killer. Of course, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that his mom was very impatient. Church was starting in thirty minutes and Caillou still hasn't gotten out of bed.

"CAILLOU!" screamed Doris from the living room. "GET YOUR A TO THE DOUBLE S OUTA BED BEFORE I POUR ICE WATER OVER YOUR HIDEOUS HAIRSTYLE!"

Yes, Caillou did indeed grow hair over the years from when he was a preschooler to today. Except it was a purple liberty spike Mohawk. Caillou also had piercings on his nose, lips, ears, and eyebrows, a tattoo of a black tribal pattern that stretched all from the bottom of his chin, up his cheek, and across his forehead, wore black lipstick, black eyeliner, and black nail polish, a spiked collar on his neck and a spiked wristband on each hand, and wore baggy ripped jeans and a black T-shirt with a skull printed in the middle over a black and white striped long sleeved shirt. He wore the long sleeved shirt to hide the tattoos on his arms, especially the ones of naked supermodels, from his mom. After about two minutes, Doris screamed again.

"CAILLOU! GET THE HELL UP!"

Few minutes have passed. Caillou barely moved an inch from his bed. "THAT'S IT!" the mom screamed. She immediately stormed into Caillou's room with a bucket of ice water and poured it all over Caillou. Caillou screamed and jumped out of bed. He was soaking wet and shivering.

"WHAT THE *bleep* MOM! I *bleep* HATE YOU!"

"Caillou, I told you for the last damn time to wake up so we can go to mass as a family." Doris was angry. She wanted to prove to the neighbors that she has well-behaved kids.

"Mom, I already told you I'm an atheist now! RELIGION SUCKS! HAIL SATAN!" Caillou stomped out his room over to the computer to do his daily r/atheism and spamming hateful comments on Christian videos on YouTube.

Caillou was upset that because Doris wouldn't allow him to go to the Cannibal Corpse concert last weekend with Leo because their music had swear words in it. He was also not allowed to go to any concerts anymore after giving Doris the finger after she said he couldn't go.

In the meantime, Rosie, who was fourteen years old, strutted out of her room in petite jean shorts and a crop top that barely covered her gigantic you-know-whats. Her face was so buried with makeup a clown would cringe at the sight of her.

"Buh-bye. I'm going motorcycling with Snake."

"Who the heck is Snake, Rosie?" Doris asked, confused.

"Uh, yah! My boyfriend, Ma! He recently got out of prison and we are going to meet at the Insane Clown Posse concert along with all his friends. He's the one that introduced me to the band. JUGGLETTE FOREVER!"

"You have a boyfriend?! You're only fourteen! That's way too young to even be dating! Also, it's the middle of February. Put a jacket on or you're gonna catch a cold with that outfit."

"OH MAH GAWD, MOM! YER EMBARRASSING ME! I FREAKING HATE YOU!" Rosie ran out the door in a flash. Outside waiting was Snake on a motorcycle. He was a twenty-something looking dude with long hair wearing sunglasses, jeans that hung below his knees, and no shirt while having serpent tattoos plastered all over his chest and back. Rosie ran over to him. Hopped on the motorcycle and grabbed onto him, and off they took, leaving Doris alone with Caillou.

"MOM!" yelled Caillou from the computer room. "I'm *bleep* hungry! Make me a *bleep* hotpocket!"

"For breakfast? Shouldn't you be eating something more healthy?"

"MAKE ME A *bleep* HOTPOCKET OR I'M RUNNING AWAY!"

"Caillou!" Doris called out as she entered the kitchen and grabbed a hot pocket from the freezer. "Don't forget you have school tomorrow!"

"I don't care," he replied. "School freaking sucks. I plan on dropping out so I can form a death metal band with leo and them. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna hang with Leo."

He started to leave, but Doris stopped him. "Not so fast, young man. Not until you pick up all those pizza boxes and Playboy magazines in your room."

"SCREW YOU, MOM! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!" Caillou sprinted out of the door, slamming it with great force behind him.

"WELL FINE! I'LL JUST EAT YOUR HOTPOCKET THEN!" Doris took a bite of the hotpocket but quickly spit it out when she realized it was still frozen.

**So what'd you think of my first inappropriate parody? Did you laugh hardcore? Did you cry to the point of insanity? Or were you offended and are planning on writing a hateful paragraph that I'm most likely going to ignore? Either way, let me know your thought in the comments. I'll probably continue this when I get a chance.**


	2. Chapter 2

Episode 2: Caillou's Hangs with his Friends

As soon as Caillou finally arrived at Leo's house on a motorcycle, began the woman narrator, he had to hurry quickly inside before the group of thugs which he stole the motorcycle from catch up with him. With great momentum, he slammed the door shut. The entire room was filled with marijuana smoke. Bongs, used matches, lighters, and used joint scattered the living room floor and coffee table, as well as empty large chip bags and other snacks.

"LEO!" Caillou. "GET YOUR *bleep* STONED FATA$$ THE *bleep* OUT OF HERE! WE NEED TO GO WITH CLEMENTINE AND SARAH AT THE *bleep* PARAMORE CONCERT TONIGHT!"

"Dude..." slurred a smooth, obviously drugged voice that echoed from the hallway to the living room. Into the living entered Caillou's friend, Leo. He was very obese, his hair hung over his eyes and down to his shoulders. He wore a dark green hoodie and baggy ripped jeans, and a dark-green ski cap on his head. Leo was obviously high, considering he had a weed joint in hand and was acting as if he were drunk.

"Dude, for the last freaking time, you said you would quit smoking weed that way those cops or some *bleep* snitch would not catch us or some *bleep*."

"Dude, I've got a great idea! Let's go ride ponies!" Leo took another hit of his joint and blew out the smoke into the air.

"Whatever, man," mumbled the ticked off Caillou. "Just throw that joint away before we get to the concert. Wouldn't want to go to jail for the 347th time. Anyways, Clementine and Sarah should be here any minute. I hope so. I just robbed a couple of loser thugs and now they want to kill me."

The door knocks. "COME IN!" Leo calls out. the door opens. Behind the doorway stood Clementine and Sarah. Sarah was a Goth who wore white makeup that covered her face, black lipstick, purple and black eyeliner, and purple fingernail polish, as well as some piercings on her nose, eyebrows, ears, and lips. She wore a black midriff-baring tanktop that had the Evanescence logo printed on it and a piercing on her bellybutton. Fishnet gloves covered her arms from shoulders to fingertips. Her hair was jet-black and really short and had purple and red streaks in it. She wore short, heeled black boots on her feet, fishnet leggings, and a short black tube skirt. Clementine wore a very short, red crop tube top that said BAD GIRL in bold, golden letters across it, a red cap on her head, hair that was up in a ponytail and with one purple streak in it, some tight jeans with long rips on both of the bottom part of the legs, red pumps, very large hoop earrings, a ample amount of bracelets held on her wrists, and a piercing on her nose and, just like Sarah, another piercing on her bellybutton.

"Finally! God, what the freak took you douchebags so long?" Caillou snapped at Clementine and Sarah. "We needed some freaking dates, people, so that we're not the only single losers at the concert. Leo can go ahead and go with the Goth chick. I'm going with you, Clementine."

"Who's been smoking weed in this house?" Clementine asked the boys.

"That's Leo, of course. Because he's an idiot trying to get me arrested again apparently. So now that we have some hours to kill, let's go do something productive."

"I thought your mom said you weren't allowed to go to concerts," Sarah mentioned to Caillou.

"Dude, screw my mom. She's always had me chained up to her legs. I *bleep* hate her. Well, I'm tired of standing here like a couple of losers. Let's go to the mall and steal some stuff."

They went to the mall and stole a bunch of expensive products. The cops tried to chase after them but they failed.


End file.
